


Conditional Love

by feelin_the_aster



Category: Bonanza
Genre: Domestic Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fights, Hurt/Comfort, Misunderstandings, Panic Attacks, Sibling Bonding, mentions of - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 10:29:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14542752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feelin_the_aster/pseuds/feelin_the_aster
Summary: Hoss, still hurt by Adam's lusty encounter with his soon to be fiance, jumps to conclusions when a young woman's abusive husband frames Adam for his crimes.a.k.a. in which Adam struggles with his relationship with his brothers, doubts his own worth, and otherwise gets a lot of the depth I think Pernell Roberts would be proud of.CAUTION: Mentions of domestic violence and descriptions of panic attacks. If these subjects are triggering for you, don't read.





	Conditional Love

Adam felt Hoss’s fist collide with his jaw, but didn’t quite register it until he was already on the ground. Before he could even think about trying to defend himself, he was lifted off of the ground, and beaten back down, his temple colliding with the floor. Adam felt his head swimming and he wasn’t sure if it was shock of being attacked by his younger brother or the bludgeoning of his head that was the cause.

“Hoss, what are you doing-” Adam tried to ask before Hoss’s large hands lifted him up again and threw him into a bookshelf.

Adam was not afraid of much. He could hold his own in a fight and he could outthink just about everyone he had ever met. He prided himself on his ability to compartmentalize, to push away any panic and act rationally (one of the reasons he was so good in a fight). But right now, Adam was afraid. The look in Hoss’s eye before he attacked was one he had never seen before. It turned his younger brother from the kind hearted, compassionate man Adam knew, to someone who meant to hurt him, not out of malice, envy, or cruelty, but out of pure, unadulterated rage.

Adam’s vision was blurred so much that he only became aware of Hoss’s proximity when Hoss’s gigantic hand closed around Adam’s neck and squeezed.

“H-Hoss--” Adam implored, his voice straining to be heard.

Hoss was holding Adam’s neck tightly enough to inhibit sound, but not enough to kill him, which Adam took some comfort in. 

“You didn’t think I’d find out, did ya?” Hoss growled. “Thought you could outsmart me, didn’t ya?”

Adam wheezed, his lungs burning and his vision dimming as he began to pass out.

“I ain’t gonna kill ya, cause I could never do that to Pa or Joe,” Hoss said, “but from now on, I ain’t your brother, and you ain’t mine. You don’t look at me, you don’t talk to me, and you don’t go around Sally’s again, or I’ll break your legs.”

Hoss let go of Adam as suddenly as he had attacked him and Adam fell, his ribs hitting something on the way down. Adam heaved, coughing as the oxygen flowed into his burning lungs. He could feel the bruises around his neck forming, not to mention the ones on his face and his ribs. Finally able to collect his thoughts, he turned over and focused on inhaling and exhaling, and what he could possibly have done to make Hoss attack him. Who was Sally? The only Sally he remembered was a girl he went to school with, but he hadn’t seen her since she was married… why couldn’t he stop shaking?

Adam took a deep breath, coughing as a result before he heard horses approaching the house. It had to be Pa or Joe. How was he going to explain this to them? He didn’t even know what had happened. Adam took another breath and held it as he used the now dilapidated bookshelf to heave himself off of the floor. Once on his feet, he realized just how much he was shaking. How was he going to make it up the stairs?  _ Why did Hoss attack him? _

“Adam?” he heard Pa call. He debated whether or not to answer. If Pa thought he wasn’t home, he might leave and then Adam would have more time to think… His thoughts, which he thought had cleared up but apparently hadn’t, were interrupted when the door opened and Joe walked through.

“Hey Adam, Pa wants you to-” Joe stopped in his tracks, seeing Adam with blood on his face and fresh bruises.

“It’s not what it looks like-” Adam began to say as his legs gave out. Luckily, Joe was already there to catch him, otherwise he would have hit his ribs again.

“Adam?” he heard Joe call, like he was in a different room. “Adam, can you hear me?” Joe called again. “Pa! Hoss! Come quick, Adam’s been hurt!”

What was Joe yelling about? Adam felt himself being half-carried to the sofa, becoming gradually more aware of his surroundings.  _ Oh, _ Adam thought,  _ he’s yelling about me. _ “I’m fine, Joe-”

“You are not fine, you can’t even stand,” Joe reprimanded. “Pa! Hoss!”

This was the side of Joe that Adam always took pride in. No matter how bratty, lazy, or manipulative the kid could act, he was also one of the most caring when he needed to be, something Adam was never good at, something Adam always resented about himself.

“Joe, I’m just a little shaken, that’s all,” Adam tried to pacify.

Joe eased Adam down onto the sofa. “What happened?”

Adam hesitated. He couldn’t put his finger on why he couldn’t tell the truth. He decided that it was because he was too confused to explain it properly, when in reality it was because the truth hurt too much.

“Adam?” Joe insisted, 

“I was taking one of the new fillies out and she must have gotten spooked cause she threw me and I landed in a ditch,” Adam lied.

Joe almost seemed to believe it before he glanced at the bookshelf and the marks on Adam’s neck. “You expect me to believe falling off a horse put those marks around your neck and threw you into a bookshelf?”

“I was trying to sleep off the fall and when I got up, I started to black out and fell into the bookshelf.”

“And the marks on your neck?”

Adam took a breath to answer as Pa came through the door, took one look at Adam, and was at his side almost instantaneously. “Who did this?”

“He says a horse threw him,” Joe scoffed with more concern than frustration.

Adam batted Pa’s hands away. “I’m right here, I can speak for myself.”

“You expect us to leave you got all this from being thrown off a horse?” Pa questioned, sounding more like Joe than himself.

“I expect you to trust me,” Adam snapped. “I’m fine.” Adam surprised himself slightly when he stood up without immediately falling over. “Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to get some sleep.” Deciding to act on his newfound momentum, Adam limped hurriedly up to his room, slamming the door behind him.

Pa stood, dumbfounded. It was very rare that he ever saw his oldest son in such a state. The last time he had caught his son in a lie that he couldn’t explain or talk his way out of was before Joe was big enough to ride a horse. Not to mention the distant look in Adam’s eyes… it was almost like he didn’t trust Joe or his own father. Something happened, Ben was sure of it. Something happened that made Adam feel unsafe, and it had to be something significant to shake him like that.

Joe moved forward to follow Adam, but Ben held him back gently. “Your brother will talk when he’s ready. For now, go find Hoss and see if he knows anything.”

“But Pa, he’s hurt bad, he shouldn’t be alone-” Joe protested, every instinct in his body wanting to protect his older brother. Joe and Adam bickered almost constantly and had gotten into fights more often than anyone could keep track of, but Joe would be damned before he let anyone but himself hurt his granite-headed brother.

“He won’t be alone. I’ll send Hop-Sing up with some hot water in a bit. He can’t say no to Hop-Sing,” Pa said, as nonchalantly as he could. He didn’t want Joe to do anything rash. He loved his sons, but each one of them had their own weaknesses. For Adam, it was letting his head get in the way of his heart, for Hoss, it was letting his heart get in the way of his head, and for Joe, it was letting his temper get the best of him, even with the people he loved.

 

Adam closed the door, just in time to provide a physical substitute for the barriers he usually kept around his mind that were crumbling. Leaning against the door, Adam let himself panic. He hadn’t had a panic attack like this since he was a kid, and he had forgotten how it felt. It felt like the world was on fire and he was the only person who was able to put it out, but when the time would come he wouldn’t be able to move. He felt like everything depended on what he would do in the next five minutes but at the same time he couldn’t breathe. He felt there was poison inside of him that he couldn’t get out even though it was killing him. He felt helpless. Utterly and truly helpless.

Adam’s mind couldn’t stop returning to the look in Hoss’s eyes, a look of rage directed straight at him, and Adam couldn’t move. Adam was always aware that he was physically fit, but not spectacular. That was why he always made sure to keep an air of such confidence. It made people think that he was bigger and stronger than he was. But Adam knew what he was, and now Hoss did too, and that terrified Adam. It terrified Adam that someone, especially his younger brother, knew that he was breakable, that he was so easily discardable. Hoss was able to pick him up and throw him across a room without breaking a sweat. And now, what was to stop him from doing it again? Before, Adam trusted that he held enough power over his brother that he could keep him in line, but that illusion had been shattered. Adam knew what happened to weak men, and now that Adam’s facade as a strong man had been destroyed, he knew it was only a matter of time until the same thing happened to him. 

_ Stop.  _

_ Breathe.  _

_ Eighty-five divided by four? Breathe.  _

_ Twenty-one point two-five. Breathe. _

_ The square root of seventy-five? Breathe. _

_ Five times the square root of three. Breathe. _

It was a tactic Adam hadn’t had to use since he was thirteen. He would ask himself math questions and solve them, just to keep himself distracted for a small amount of time while he tried to force himself to calm down. He would start simple, then work up to more complicated questions, then start writing down equations, and eventually he would become more focused on the math than his panic and it would subside. But this time, the throbbing pain on his face and the reflection of his bruised neck in the mirror across from him was too much for him to distract himself from.

Adam loved his brothers. 

Usually he was okay with the knowledge that they didn’t understand him, or the ways he showed affection. Usually, he was fine knowing they didn’t love him back. He wasn’t happy about it, but he was resigned to the fact. But sometimes in the dead of night, he would wake up, sweating, breathing shallowly, tossing and turning. He would think about all the ways he had failed them and recollect every time Joe had looked at him and saw everything he hated about the world in Adam.

But Adam loved his brothers.

That was the reason he stayed. That was the reason he accepted that they didn’t love him back. That was the reason he was able to give as much as he could possibly give and turn the other cheek when they responded with scorn. Adam knew Hoss still needed someone to protect him from his faith in other people, even though Adam knew he would be hated for it. He knew that he had to keep Joe from ruining his life with rash decisions and immature presumption, even if it meant Adam would receive no love from Joe in return. Adam was willing to sacrifice his own happiness for theirs, even if they didn’t know it.

Adam would kill for his brothers, even though they wouldn’t do the same for him.

 

“I’m going to find whoever did this to him, and I’m gonna kill ‘im,” Joe fumed, pacing back and forth in front of the barn. Hoss sat on a bale of hay, whittling a stick down to nothing, his hat pulled down almost covering his eyes.

“He didn’t say nothin’?” Hoss muttered.

Joe threw his hands up, laughing in desperation. “You know how our dear brother can be. Always rational except when it comes to his own wellbeing-”

“He had it coming.”

Joe stopped pacing, not hearing what Hoss had said. “I never seen Adam shook like that. Whoever did this scared him.” Joe wanted to everything he had ever said about Adam being an unfeeling yankee. He would trade it all to prevent Adam from ever looking like that again. “I ain’t ever seen him look so hurt and so… helpless.”

“Adam is about as helpless as a rattlesnake. He’s a conniving, manipulative viper.”

Joe heard Hoss that time. “What’s gotten into you? Older brother’s been beaten and choked and now you’re taking it on yourself to criticise his character?”

Hoss looked up from under the brim of his hat. “Adam was the one that beat Sally Jennings.”

“What in the devil’s name are you talking about?” Joe hissed, his voice dropping to a dangerous tone. “That’s our brother.”

“Her husband told me himself and he had proof. He had Adam’s handkerchief. It had Sally’s blood on it.” Hoss stood, throwing the stick he had destroyed down at Joe’s feet.

Joe stepped in, inches away from Hoss’s face. “And you believed him?”

Hoss’s eyes flickered dangerously. “Yes.”

“Adam would never do something like that.”

“I never believed Adam would kiss the woman I loved but he did that,” Hoss growled. “Before I saw it, I never believed Adam would be able to shoot a man without blinking, but he can and he has-”

“Never in cold blood!” Joe almost shouted, his features hardening with fury.

“I never believed Adam was capable of half the heartless things he’s done until he done ‘em, but now I know to believe the proof when it’s shoved right into my face.” 

“You beat Adam.”

Hoss roughly pressed a piece of white fabric into Joe’s hand. In a corner, the initials  _ AC _ were embroidered in black, the rest of the fabric stained a rusty brown.

Joe examined the fabric. “What day was Sally beaten?”

“Does it matter?” Hoss quipped.

“Just answer,” Joe said, imitating the calm tone he had heard Adam use so many times when he was deliberately masking his fury. “What day was Sally beaten?”

“I don’t know.”

“The report her husband filed with the sheriff said Monday evening,” Joe furthered. “I know because when her pa accused Adam, the sheriff asked for an alibi.”

Hoss’s eyebrows furrowed, and the his face went slack as the realization dawned on him. Adam was innocent.

“Adam was with me in Carson City. The sheriff got confirmation from the clerk we picked up merchandise from.” Joe’s voice maintained the iciness he forgot he was imitating. “If you had talked to Adam, you would have known that. You also would have known that Sally’s husband beat her because he caught her talking to Adam about their son’s school work outside of the schoolhouse when Adam was substituting.”

Hoss felt all of the anger he had ever harbored against Adam fall away and be replaced by unbridled guilt. And Joe wasn’t even finished.

“Do you know why I think you did it?” Joe pushed. “I think you were still mad about what happened with that woman who was manipulating you. I think you were still mad that Adam let her kiss him. You hit him then, too. Only we were able to stop you before you went as far as you did today, and you regretted not being able to put him in his place.”

Hoss felt every emotion he had buried with anger and envy rise to the surface, threatening to explode.

Joe continued. “You were jealous of Adam.”

Hoss felt his knees start to buckles and found himself sitting back down, Joe standing above him. “What have I done?” Hoss felt the same desperation he used to feel as a child enveloping him, the same way it did when he let his anger out on Adam.

“My God, Joe, what have I done?”

 

Adam woke up, his hair wet with sweat, his pulse more rapid than he had ever felt it. He didn’t know what or if he had been dreaming, but all he could think of was Hoss’s eyes. Those eyes which held every glare, every complaint, ever resentment ever cast in his direction. The face would blur between Joe and Hoss, but the eyes were always the same.

Adam steadied himself.

_ Stop. Breathe. _

_ Factor: x^2 + 12x + 36 _

_ Breathe. _

_ It’s okay. Hoss can hate you if he wants. It doesn’t matter. You don’t need him to love you, you need to protect him. This isn’t about you. This is about your family. You would kill for your family, you would die for your family, you can live for them, and die for them. _

__ Adam saw light through his window and figured that it was better if he got up than if he tried to go back to sleep. He would sneak out and begin his day’s work, stagger his meals with his family so he wouldn’t have to face them, everything would be fine. Eventually his bruises would fade, and everything for them would return to normal. They would continue on, and eventually, Adam would fade into the background. He would be there to support them behind the scenes, unobtrusively, but he wouldn't look at them. He wouldn’t speak unless spoken to, he wouldn’t offer advice unless consulted, it would be like they wanted it to be. That was the only way.

Adam would die for his brothers.


End file.
